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Wednesday, August 14, 2013

Writer's Workshop: I Got Better

This week, I chose the prompt: 3.) What were you blogging about last year at this time? What has changed?

I love this movie. And this post desperately needed some funny.

Last year, at this time, I was not blogging. I went from a list of things for which I was thankful in mid-July to a somber story of how depression was affecting me at the beginning of September. Last August was rough for me.

I am happy to say that things have gotten much better on the depression side. I have gotten the help I need. In 2012, my priority was to lose weight, and when that didn't help me feel better about myself, I knew 2013's priority would have to be about learning to love and accept myself, regardless of how I looked or what was going on in my life. I was not going to be happy any other way, and I needed to break out of my funk.

I like to think I don't worry as much about what others think of me now. I try to listen to the dialog running in the back of my mind, and stop it when it's all about the negative. Yes, not everyone is going to like me. Yes, not everyone is trustworthy. It's OK to listen to some of the negative so you're not completely delusional. But when it becomes irrational, and there are no positive options offered when the unknown is analyzed, that's a problem. I am trying to see the positive, as well as develop some empathy toward others. I am waking up and realizing it's not all about me. Everyone has their own stuff to deal with, and they're not always thinking about me, and their actions aren't necessarily caused by me. I like to think I am a kind, laid-back person who does not do drama -- so why would anyone hate me, anyway, unless it was due to their own issues? Of course, sometimes I feel like I might be too cold to people, which bothers me especially when it has to do with people I care about, but that's a whole other issue that I am working on. I have so many feelings, and no idea how to express them in an proper fashion.

I still feel like a child, and like someone who doesn't quite fit in, but I also feel like I am getting closer to figuring that out. I feel like I have no idea what I am doing, that I am faking my way through adulthood and parenthood and life in general. But I am closer to discovering what it is I really want in life and working toward those goals. I just need time to think and clear my head. And hockey. Holy smokes, if that isn't a great stress relief. I'm so glad to be back playing again!

I have been extremely happy to be sharing my photos and words with more people, most of all. I realized that I feel best when I am creating. As a child, I was always drawing, doing crafts, cross stitching, beading, folding origami, making bracelets. I loved having a finished product to show people, and strove to make everything look just right. I was proud of things I wrote in school, even if I was too shy to share them with others. I always loved taking photos. I always loved looking at photos, too. I would often rummage through my grandma's magazines and cut out my favorite photos, making collages, or creating my own magazines or newspapers (I always loved creating the layouts and writing the articles). When I got a little older, I started creating greeting cards for others using my photos and Power Point (of all things). I was a master at Power Point cards. ;) And today, I have this blog (which, my apologizes, needs a better layout). My little journal and portfolio of the things I am creating today. Granted, there's not much here because I don't have much time, but when I do have the time, it's so wonderful.

I think today, I am more in the state of mind of that thank you list. I am just trying to be grateful for all I have, trying to accept myself for who I am, trying to relate to others and improve my relationships with others. I'm a work in progress, but who isn't? I believe life is about learning and experiencing and dealing with the hardships in order to gain appreciation, wisdom, and strength. It can be really hard some days, but let's all try to enjoy this journey together.

Mama’s Losin’ It