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Thursday, September 6, 2012

Keeping it Real

I've been avoiding writing for a while now, actually contemplating deleting this blog. But that's how I get when I am in this kind of a funk. I get caught in a fog of depression and come to irrational conclusions, and say and do things I don't mean. I don't know how many times I've deleted blog entries and items from social networking sites because the voices in my head are yelling that nobody likes me, no one cares what I have to say, and I don't matter. Which makes me feel even more alienated. It's a struggle I go through daily, and it's getting bad again. I've had enough.

Medicine doesn't help, it makes my anxiety worse and causes bad panic attacks. Exercise and eating well help my anxiety, but I need more. So, I was so glad to come across this blog entry by my Instagram friend Jo: Princess Warrior Lessons

My brain needs rewiring. In the worst way. I need God's help. I need to find my purpose, find a place to fit in. I could not get this song out of my head today.
If there are millions down on their knees
Among the many, can you still hear me?
Hear me asking, where do I belong?
Is there a vision that I can call my own?
Show me
I'm looking for a reason
Roaming through the night to find
My place in this world
My place in this world
Not a lot to lean on
I need Your light to help me find
My place in this world
My place in this world
I feel like I should have figured this out years ago, but I've been stuck in that fog. The other day, my son asked me how old I was. When I responded, he replied, "Oh, I thought you were 10!" In some ways, I feel like I am. I am flattered he thinks I look that good, though. ;) He's such a happy child. I hope he always stays that way. He brings joy to my life, too. I really don't have anything to be depressed about.

I'm going to start by getting our butts to church this Sunday. I'm going to put aside some "me" time to read books and articles that will help me rewire my brain (I still have homework from my last counselor). And I'm going to find time to unwind and do things I like -- like hiking and photographing and playing with Josh. I'm not going to always try to be perfect (impossible) or the best, or get upset when I'm not. I'm just going to be me, and try to be happy with that. Maybe I'll even use this blog to document my journey. All I know is that I am looking forward to the change. I need that change!
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2 comments:

  1. StashaSeptember 7, 2012 at 1:57 AM

    Change is good. I have been in a major funk too. Maybe that is what mayans were talking about regarding 2012. Or maybe we just need more chocolate...
    I am so glad you did not delete the blog. These are for our soul Jessica!!

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    1. JessicaSeptember 7, 2012 at 9:04 PM

      You're right, it is good to write. I felt better after writing last night and even into this morning, but by the afternoon, I was back to self-loathing and feeling like no one else likes me, either. Ugh! I even had some alone time tonight -- I finished up a bunch of work, had a successful shopping trip for jeans (amazing!), and found a brand of salsa that I love and have not been able to find. Still in a funk. I think it's time for some emergency double chocolate cake!

      It must be hard for you, being without a lot of adult interaction (and Little J acting up when you do... which hopefully he is no longer doing). I hope you'll find some ways to feel like yourself again.

      Anyway, I hope we'll be able to break out of our funks soon. I started 2012 with a big weight loss, now I need to end it with some more positive changes. I hope you do, too! :)

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