So Far This June...

I've been slacking with the blog lately, and completely spaced on Wordless Wednesday this week (sorry, Ruchira!). It's a long story, and we'll talk about it eventually, but I wanted to give a quick rundown of some of the things that have been going on. With photos, of course!

Joshua got a new swing set for my mother's house. In case you can't tell by the photo, he likes it. And he's keeping it mighty tidy.

 

I visited my friend in Quincy MA and discovered Nut Island. Gorgeous views of Boston, and a lovely walking path.

Joshua had his last tee ball game, which included the full game experience -- National Anthem, player announcements, concessions. If they had a walk-up song, his would probably be something from Frozen, although he's currently obsessed with the latest Little Rascals movie and loves the song, "I Got You, Babe."

I visited my dad on Father's Day and we dined in and walked around Newport. On the way home, there was an awesome sunset over Narragansett Bay.

We had a goodbye lunch for my work friend, by the sea on the other side of the bay. I am going to miss my lunch buddy. :(

Last night, I returned to Newport with my friend, to catch my favorite singer, Dierks Bentley, in concert. The venue was gorgeous, the music was awesome, the energy was high, and we had such a blast. The seats weren't bad, either!

It's been a busy June, but a good one!

Random Thought Tuesday

• My best work friend is leaving the company tomorrow, and I am bummed. She's my lunch buddy and one of the few people left there who will hang out with me. Not cool, yo.
• I miss Colorado.
• Rapping Brian Williams is my favorite. And Jimmy Fallon, for that matter.
• I want to kick my insecurities to the curb.
• Two more days until I see my favorite, Dierks Bentley, live in concert. My friend scored awesome seats, and I'm so excited!
• I love this song.
• Is it hockey season yet?

Chores

I really enjoyed this article over at Sisterhood of the Sensible Moms the other day. The article was in response to another article, which claimed that letting kids do chores was harder than just doing the chores yourself. Clearly written by a perfectionist, the article claimed that children are just not capable of doing chores correctly. The Sisterhood rebutted the article, stating that children should do chores, even if not perfectly, to become competent and willing contributors to society.

I agree. My son loves to help around the house, and I encourage it. I don't expect him to get the toilet completely clean (I scrub a little more when he's done) but he asks to do it, so I let him. I can see his confidence rise when he's helping out, feeling like he's important to the household. He beams with a cheerful, "You're welcome!" when I thank him. And his teacher says he's very helpful in his classroom, too. He loves to help, and I want to always encourage that.

Even if they can't everything perfectly (or even properly -- lessons need to be learned so they have life skills and learn independence), kids just want to feel wanted and needed and important (like everyone else). Having them do chores gives them that feeling, along with a sense of accomplishment. They also give kids a sense of obligation and not entitlement. I believe with skills, confidence, hard work, and a sense of community comes a better society. I'm willing to sacrifice a perfectly made bed for that.

Invisible

I wanted to share with you a video that I discovered last night -- "Invisible" by Skylar Grey.



I listened to the words and it was one of those "Yes! That's exactly how I feel!" moments. And then I thought, I bet we're not the only two who feel this way. In fact, there's probably a lot more of us than we even realize.

There are certain people in the world who get the spotlight, usually because of some amazing talent, or beauty. Or maybe because they are too loud and obnoxious to ignore. But the rest of us just kind of blend into the background, like extras on a movie set. We're busy doing our own things, thinking our own thoughts, lost in our own worlds, and don't always take a look at the person next to us. Maybe we do, maybe we even care about them, but are too shy or unassuming to let them know. Or maybe we do let them know, and form a meaningful connection. Or not. There are so many factors involved in relationships between people.

Some people feel loved and wanted, whether it's because of something deeply rooted inside of them, or because they have good, quality people in their lives who make them feel this way. Others have trouble feeling this way, even if they do have those good people around them. Maybe they didn't always have that support. We're all programmed so differently, with different life experiences, but I bet every one of us has at least one person who truly cares about us. And God. He cares more about us than any human ever could. And He rules the universe, so that's a pretty big deal.

The lesson I've learned recently is twofold: First, we should never assume that no one sees us or cares about us. We don't know what other people are thinking unless they let us know. Second, we should let others know that we care about them, or at least that we see them there and recognize them as awesome fellow citizens of this world (or brothers and sisters, if you'd like). It doesn't have to be anything big -- even a "thank you" and a smile may do. Sometimes situations are complicated, but respect and politeness should always be given. If you can, talk to people, learn their stories. You never know, you may learn something very interesting.

This is something I want to work on this year. I am shy and introverted and most times, this stuff is outside of my comfort zone. But I am working on it, and compiling evidence that I am, in fact, brave. That's powerful stuff, and I hope it helps me, and others around me, stop feeling so invisible.

Self Worth

I am my own worst enemy.

It has become apparent that I have a core belief that needs to be changed: I believe that I don't matter. I guess I have always known this, but thinking about it now, I see how ingrained in my life it has become.

I don't feel like my opinions or feelings are taken seriously by other people. I feel like no one cares. I don't feel like I am adding anything of value to this world. I feel like my words and photos and views are meaningless and worthless. I feel stupid. I feel like people are just laughing at me or criticizing me when I am not around. And sometimes when I am around. As if people don't have more important things to do than think about me.

I don't like making decisions, even on small things, like where to have dinner. I feel like I am inconveniencing other people if I choose something they may not have wanted. I ask a million times, "Are you sure that's OK?" I don't believe in my own opinions and choices, or at least, I feel they have no worth.

I let people walk all over me.

I initially took a comment last week as kind, and later in the week had myself convinced that the person was just making fun of me, because the voices in my head tell me, "That person doesn't like you. Why would they say something nice to you?"

This is such a childish way to think. I'm not only putting myself down, I am assuming the worst of others. If people don't like me, it's most likely not because of anything I have done. I am shy and awkward, but I am not a mean-spirited person. (At least, I hope I don't come across that way. I really care about people, sometimes too much.) Maybe it's something they're carrying, and I should have some compassion. Maybe it's all in my head and people do like me. Maybe I am over analyzing everything and should just relax. (Bingo!) But ultimately, it does not really matter what others think, anyway. I should still believe in myself, regardless.

As Dr. Seuss said, "Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind."

Some days, I see a glimmer of hope. I might win a game or take a photo or write something that I particularly like, and even if I receive no feedback about it from others, I am proud of it and it feels good. Or someone might give me a compliment and I genuinely believe it. This is how it should be. I need to live for what makes me happy, what gives my life meaning, and the right people will be drawn to it and fill it out completely. That's how they say it works, anyway. But this doesn't mean I should stop respecting other people and their thoughts and feelings. Everyone matters.

So my mission -- should I choose to accept it -- is to believe in myself. I will get there eventually. Maybe I'll feel like I matter if I do things that matter.

I also want to make sure I teach my son to believe in himself always, and to believe in other people. Because he matters, and everyone else does, too. We're all important pieces of this puzzle of life, and the picture wouldn't be the same without any one of us.

Spring Renewal

Last year, I completely surprised myself by making and keeping a New Year's resolution. I lost about 35 pounds between January and June. An accomplishment of which I was very proud! This year, I started with good intentions of losing the last 10 pounds to get into a healthy BMI range, and to take some steps to live a happier life. I haven't been very successful this year, but now I am looking to Spring to give me the inspiration I need to get this stuff done.

I started back on my diet on Monday. It's going well. It definitely helps that bad food makes me feel bad. If I slip up, my stomach will not let me forget it. It's a good thing. The exercise will come soon, as well. I know that by keeping up with my exercise, I'll not only be in a position to lose more weight, but I will feel better. It's such a good stress reliever.

I have also started a new 365 photography project. Photography really helps me to relax, and I enjoy it. I am going to try to put aside my insecurities (thoughts that my photos aren't good enough) and just have some fun taking photos and sharing them with others. I did this back in 2011, and did the Fat Mum Slim "Photo-a-Day" challenge from last April to the end of this March, so it's nothing new. Plus, I post to Instagram everyday. This time, however, I am determined to learn more about my D-SLR to take some better photos. An online photography course I'm taking next month will hopefully help with that.

These things will take up a lot of my free time (it's slim pickings), but I also want to try to blog more often. I enjoy writing, and it's another thing that helps reduce stress. If I can at least write once or twice a week, I'll be happy!

I'm working on my self-image, self-worth issues through all of this, trying hard to block out the voices that tell me I am not good enough for anyone else. I want to break down these walls that I've built around myself in self-defense (even when not needed), for fear of rejection, and have the courage to face others. I could use some meaningful relationships in my life, but this will only happen if I can open up to others. I should not be defined by others' opinions of me, whether good or bad. I should not feel worthless, because I was put here for a reason. I need to find my voice, and my place, in this world, but I need to figure out who I really am before I can do that. This will be my hardest challenge yet, but I'm getting the help I need to figure it out.

Yes, I am really looking forward to this Spring.

:)

Why Marriage Equality is Important to Me

Warning: I am about to go all political and spiritual on you. I tend to stay away from these kinds of topics on my blog, but I just need to say a few things. Obviously, this is just my opinion, but I feel strongly about this. If there is one thing I care about in this world, it's human rights. I haven't done as much as I should to defend people whose rights have been oppressed. I wrote letters in my high school Amnesty International club, but I haven't done much since. The least I can do is write this.

To me, marriage equality is not about labels, but about basic human rights. Call them partners, husbands, wives, whatever, but I think if two people love each other and want to live together and support each other, and be a family together, they should be able to do so. They should have all the resources and rights that any other couple has. And regarding the debate about whether these couples should be able to adopt: I'm sure most orphans will take any couple who is willing to love and support them.

Going beyond what I think and feel, and being the spiritual person that I am, I have to wonder: what would Jesus think? Well, I believe Jesus' teachings support this sort of equality, for everyone. He tells us that He is bringing a "new covenant" that will be ruled by the Spirit and not outdated laws (2 Corinthians 3:6-8, Hebrews 9:13-15). This is why He died for us (Happy Easter!). He tells us that as long as we love others, we are fulfilling His law (Romans 13:10), that you can't say you love God and not love people (1 John 4:20), and that the most important commandment is to love God and other people (Mark 12:28-31). If we believe God made us all, how can we say that any of us are insignificant?  I think that insults Him. He makes us all as we are supposed to be, and He loves us ALL.  It bothers me most of all that Christians speak out against this sort of equality, because we should be the ones promoting it, as well as promoting God's love. The church shouldn't be in the guilt and judgement business. We should be there to support others, no matter who they are. Life is hard; we need each other.

I can see how homosexuality was probably discouraged in ancient times, because it didn't promote procreation, and that was needed back then. However, this isn't an issue anymore. Just like the Old Testament law against eating shellfish. Although, God saw to it that I follow that one, by giving me an allergy to it. ;)

Anyway, that's enough from my soap box for tonight. Just one more thing: There is way too much hate and fear in this world. For once, let's let love win.

Spring Sledding

No longer fluffy

The snow has turned to ice, but

Still welcomes my sled

On Sunday, Josh and I made the most of the slush still left in our yard, perfectly spread out over a small hill on the side of the house. It turns out, sledding in the Spring is most delightful -- with temperatures around 48F, we didn't have to bundle up so much, and we were able to stay outside for an hour without any problem.  Also, we had plenty of sunlight, the nice bright kind that Spring brings. I love the Winter, and am not looking forward to hot days or allergy season, but this transition period is pretty nice.

I'm Putting the Blog Back Together

A few weeks ago, I had the bright idea that I was going to delete this blog. I wasn't happy with it. I felt like my content was useless and I was not contributing anything to this world by sharing it. But I did miss writing, and when I thought about the reason that I started blogging, I realized it wasn't for anyone else but myself. This is simply my journal, and it can be whatever I want it to be. Maybe someday, I'll have some interesting content to share with others, and I can create a separate blog. But for now, I'm just going to keep writing about whatever it is that flows into my mind. Well, some of it, at least.

Luckily, the good folks at Blogger are smart enough to realize that people change their minds, and I was able to restore my blog quite easily. Yay! And people following my Google+ feed (if any) will be happier now, because I'll be channeling the stuff they don't care about to my blog again. :)

In all of this, it has come to my attention just how much I worry about what others think of me. I mean, I have known this for a while, but it's becoming more and more evident how much it is holding me back. I barely even know who I am anymore, and I think it's time to go on a mission and find that person. Because, unlike this ball of stress and anxiety I have become, that girl totally rocks. I'm also working hard to get myself healthy again. All signs are pointing to a thyroid out of control (again) and wreaking havoc on my body, both physically and mentally. I'll know after some tests coming up. It's amazing how one little gland can cause so much trouble.

I'll just end with a photo my friend had posted on Instagram, and what I wrote on Google+ about it:

The first part has been my past. Hoping the latter will be my future. Tired of letting insecurities hold me back, and keep me from being who I really am. I can do better.

I'm ready to start this journey.

Random Thoughts: A Month After Sandy Hook

Note: I started writing this very random post a couple of weeks ago. I'm still not sure exactly what it is I want to say. Words cannot describe how much this tragedy has hurt me, and I didn't even know these people. I can only hope and pray that God will take the bad and turn it into something good.

As I dropped Josh off at school on Wednesday morning, his friends immediately began swarming around him. They were so happy to see each other after the long holiday break. As I looked at their young, happy faces, I couldn't help but imagine what the kids of Sandy Hook Elementary would be feeling when they returned to school. All I can do is pray that they find all the comfort and support they need when they go back. It will be a long road recovering from the trauma and the loss.

Several people have been sharing photos of comfort dogs at the schools in Newtown, and I read an amazing testimony by a woman on Facebook who owns one of the comfort dogs. One of the women at my church launched a "Prayer Bear" campaign, and I heard that they are bringing smiles to some of the families. I was so thankful that my cousin got us a connection there and that we can do something to help, even if it's not as big as we'd like. Michelle's testimony was powerful, as well.  God is hard at work in that town. Love is winning.

Scouting is big in Newtown, and my young cousin, Brooke, is involved as a Girl Scout.  She and her troop are going to be taking the surviving Daisies -- only about half of the two troops from S.H.E.S. are left -- under their wings. I couldn't think of a better role model than Brooke.  She's always such a positive girl, and wise beyond her years, and I am sure her fellow scouts are just as amazing. She was featured in an article in the Washington Post. I'm so proud.
...
It's been over a month now since the tragedy, and I still cry every time I see one of those precious angels' faces. Josh has been making some random statements about death lately. The other day, while walking into school, we were having a normal conversation until he stopped and said "I don't know why little guys go to Heaven. They have little energies." And then he resumed normal conversation, not bothered by this thought at all. I'm not sure he completely understands what it means, and maybe he's trying to figure it out. I don't know. As far as I know, no one has said anything to him about the shooting, but you never know where kids pick things up. Another day, he told me about this boy, whose "pieces" were broken up (he was pulling on his face, as to make it look distorted). But, he said, God brought the boy to His house, and fixed him up, "good as new." He was so happy about this. I loved his hope and trust that God will make everything better and new. And I believe it, too.

There was a wonderful concert last night that my cousins were fortunate enough to be able to attend with their friends, which featured several Christian speakers and artists in a night of "Hope and Healing." I really hope it helped a lot of people. It was amazing to see all of the people there singing along, and in the chat room online seeing all of the people joining together to watch. I hope all of those people were inspired to bring some light into the world, and pass it on, so no one has to ever go through the darkness alone. We all need God, and we need each other. If anything good comes out of this, I hope it's that we all learn to treat each other better, with respect and concern. I saw it for a while after 9/11, but I hope we will not forget it this time.

I spent this past weekend in the next town over from Newtown, at another cousin's baby shower. It was so great to celebrate this new life with them, and to be with my family. We are so blessed. I just want to be grateful for everything I have right now.

"Any man's death diminishes me, because I am involved in Mankind; And therefore never send to know for whom the bell tolls; it tolls for thee." - John Donne

Addendum

We'll call it Video Friday... no, I need some alliteration... Favorite Friday. Um. Well, anyway. Here's another song I love. I'm adding it to my list from Monday.



I had the pleasure of seeing Alison Krauss and Union Station perform last year. It was an amazing show; they are all so talented, and the harmonies were just heavenly. The concert was the first time I heard this song, and I fell in love with it. There must be a reason for it all. There is some reason I am here on Earth. I ponder this everyday and will keep searching until I find my niche. I want to feel worthy.

And I'll throw in some more Dierks Bentley, because he's my favorite.



Favorite Friday. TGIF! :)

Keeping it Real

I've been avoiding writing for a while now, actually contemplating deleting this blog. But that's how I get when I am in this kind of a funk. I get caught in a fog of depression and come to irrational conclusions, and say and do things I don't mean. I don't know how many times I've deleted blog entries and items from social networking sites because the voices in my head are yelling that nobody likes me, no one cares what I have to say, and I don't matter. Which makes me feel even more alienated. It's a struggle I go through daily, and it's getting bad again. I've had enough.

Medicine doesn't help, it makes my anxiety worse and causes bad panic attacks. Exercise and eating well help my anxiety, but I need more. So, I was so glad to come across this blog entry by my Instagram friend Jo: Princess Warrior Lessons

My brain needs rewiring. In the worst way. I need God's help. I need to find my purpose, find a place to fit in. I could not get this song out of my head today.

If there are millions down on their knees
Among the many, can you still hear me?
Hear me asking, where do I belong?
Is there a vision that I can call my own?
Show me
I'm looking for a reason
Roaming through the night to find
My place in this world
My place in this world
Not a lot to lean on
I need Your light to help me find
My place in this world
My place in this world

I feel like I should have figured this out years ago, but I've been stuck in that fog. The other day, my son asked me how old I was. When I responded, he replied, "Oh, I thought you were 10!" In some ways, I feel like I am. I am flattered he thinks I look that good, though. ;) He's such a happy child. I hope he always stays that way. He brings joy to my life, too. I really don't have anything to be depressed about.

I'm going to start by getting our butts to church this Sunday. I'm going to put aside some "me" time to read books and articles that will help me rewire my brain (I still have homework from my last counselor). And I'm going to find time to unwind and do things I like -- like hiking and photographing and playing with Josh. I'm not going to always try to be perfect (impossible) or the best, or get upset when I'm not. I'm just going to be me, and try to be happy with that. Maybe I'll even use this blog to document my journey. All I know is that I am looking forward to the change. I need that change!

Hello, Moon

The moon looked amazing as I left work Monday night - just a sliver, but large and swimming in a sea of dark clouds. I feel like I need to start carrying my D-SLR and a tripod with me where ever I go; the phone pic I took did it no justice. Still, even with the D-SLR, I doubt I would have been able to get something as amazing as this: http://goo.gl/RER3t

Self-Esteem

I received this email the other day from Dove, promoting their "Movement for Self-Esteem:"

Do you remember what it was like to be 13? I do.

I yearned to be gorgeous and thin and popular... My anxiety about my appearance sometimes kept me from doing the things I really wanted to do, like auditioning for the school musical. I just never felt comfortable in my own skin.

Things are no better for girls growing up today. Did you know that 70% of girls avoid certain activities - like raising their hand in class - when they feel bad about how they look?

Yes, I remember that. It's the way I feel even now, at age 34. As I type that, I think it's ridiculous for me to feel that way, to be trapped in the 13-year-old psyche. But it definitely says a lot about how important it is to raise children's self-esteem at a young age. Negative comments from family members and kids at school about my appearance remain with me even today, and might be part of something I struggle with for the rest of my life. I've had a lot of good things going for me in my life, but they've always been overshadowed by how much I loathe my appearance, which has spilled over into loathing everything else about myself. That's really sad. Man, I hate being so darn sensitive.

I'm definitely interested in seeing Dove's plans for this "movement." I hope it helps a lot of girls.

Also: I am glad my son is so confident and happy. I hope he always stays that way. And it's interesting that when I see bits of me in him, it makes me smile. My little angel, sent here to help me see the best in everything -- even myself. :)