[186/365] You today

I got my herrr did (is that how they say it?) tonight, so you don't have to see how ridiculous I looked earlier with it half straight and half curly, due to my hair dryer catching on fire in the middle of my getting ready this morning. Sparks were flying everywhere.

Aww, yeah.

Ironically, Joshua is learning about fire safety this week at school, so he had an interesting story to tell the firefighters that went to his school today. And I had some fun telling my hairdresser. Conversation starters are always good.

So, my hair. I'm liking it. I'm glad I did something a little different. I figured it might cheer me up. And I need that because I'm not liking who I am inside right now. I am trying to be tough and emotionless, because I can't deal with things, but I feel like I am erring on the side of being a total jerk. This is not me. I'm too sensitive, meant to feel (oh, stupid feelings) and be kind -- not meant to be tough. But I can be strong, and I need to learn how to do that the right way, with a clear mind, without alienating myself from others.

Good luck with that.

Here's the problem: when I am having a bad day, I am no good at faking pleasantries. I have a hard enough time with that on a good day. I am awkward. I really like other people, but I am lacking some serious social skills. I am trying, though, really hard. I just don't feel like anyone understands me. And I'm really hard on myself, so this leaves me with no allies.

I'm trying to learn more about myself, but maybe I need to learn more about other people, and how to interact with them. Or maybe I do need to learn about myself so I can help others understand me. Of course, this is useless if I can't learn how to communicate, and if I can't get over all my fears.

Ughhh. I need to stop rambling.

This is me, today. Just trying to keep it all together.