Wednesday, April 17, 2013

My Aching Head

This post was inspired by Mama Kat's Writing Workshop. I used the prompt "1.) Something that gave you a headache." Over-thinking, worrying and being depressed about this stuff gives me a headache, and a myriad of other ailments. (So does my job and that microscopically small maze that Joshua wanted me to help him with the other night, but I'll spare you those details.) It is also inspired by Dove's latest ad.

I've had an issue with self-image for as long as I can remember. I've always felt ugly, fat, crazy-haired. Spring is here, and with the warmer weather comes frizzy hair (can't wait for that Keratin treatment) and allergies that make me feel disgusting. My eyes are so puffy and itchy that I can't wear my contacts -- I have to wear my glasses. My skin is too sensitive to wear much make-up. I don't have any nice-looking in-between clothes. I feel so ugly right now and I just hate myself for it.

It effects my relationships with other people. I don't like myself, how can I expect anyone else to like me? And I don't. I just assume no one likes me or will like me because of how I look. I keep my head down. I fear rejection.

I start to doubt other things about myself. Am I smart enough? Am I witty and fun? Do I have any talent? I shied away from sports for a long time because I was called a klutz. I'm self-conscious, I feel unwanted, I feel useless, I feel invisible.

I know, it's ridiculous. I'm 36, for crying out loud.

People aren't that shallow. Well, not all people. I know some of these ideas were put into my head by shallow people who hold worldly things above everything else. I don't know why I listened to them tell me who I am -- because they didn't have any idea -- and why their words have gotten so ingrained into my psyche. I hate being so sensitive. I hate that I have allowed myself to be shaped by others' opinions. I hate that I have been in the shadow of such negativity for so long. And it hurts.

I need to make a change. I am holding back from offering the world whatever it is I can offer because I am so worried about what other people think of me. I haven't even explored what it is I can offer. I think this is important, because we are all put here for a reason. I want to find and live that reason. I am full of compassion and want to help others, but I can't do that until I can be unafraid to connect with them. And also? I want to have fun. I want to enjoy life. I want to really live.

Well, that was therapeutic. My head doesn't hurt quite so much anymore. :)

Mama’s Losin’ It